Absence

There are many reasons for my absence and lack of writing. I am not making excuses but rather explaining my situation.

I have two young kids, 4 and 5 yrs old. They need my almost constant care. On the off times when I can convince them to play in the back yard together while not fighting, I find it hard to pick up the computer but rather indulge in some book I have been reading. Or of course, do the dishes, make food, clean the house and do laundry. Neither are in school for the summer and I am forced to figure out what to do with them every day. Exhausting.

In addition to my exhausting, yet wonderful children, I am completely stressed with trying to sell my house and move into our dream home that has more land and is better fitted for us.

Mostly, though, I can't handle the constant flashbacks. It is exhausting more than anything else. I am going to try to focus more on my journey and less on Momster. I realize that my upbringing plays a huge roll in my story, but I am going to work on limiting that area and focusing in the reunion.

I will check in as I figure that out.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fearless

The fearless three year old, whom I look up to in so many ways, took off on her own yesterday. She has been practicing with her devoted Dad, to learn to ride without training wheels. Yesterday, she decided to practice. Her practice involved her riding down the street and me with my jaw falling down! We are so proud of our determined girl. She was so proud of herself and wanted to show everyone that she knows!

I don't remember learning how to ride my bike but I do remember riding it on my own and feeling brand new. I remember being a cautious child and constantly worried that something bad may happen. I remember wishing I was more like my sister, more like Marlee, stronger. Marlee is everything I wanted to be as a child- confident, caring, funny, carefree, silly, strong, tough, loving, observant, accepting, happy.

I think about her fearlessly riding away and I want to fearlessly ride away on my memoir. I want to be confident that I CAN do this. I want to believe that everyone will be proud. I want to have the strength to get back up if I fall down. I want to be that carefree.

I will continue to work on that as long as I live...

Spring Wind

The windows are all open. The wind is blowing in the house. I love the smell of Spring, the sounds of the birds, the yellow forsythias coming up. I am sitting here listening to John Mayer and writing. I have never liked opening my old journals, but, I do now. I am actually going forward with them now instead of living in the past. It feels so good, to be where I am now, and looking back at my journey with a smile. It took over a decade for me to be able to do that.. But I am here and it feels darn good. I open my journal from 1999, during the beginning of my search for my biological mother. There is a certain smell to the old journal. A good smell. The smell take me right back to November 1999. The anticipation, the anxiety, the doubt. I am so proud of that girl for not giving up. I am so proud of her for doing what she set out to do:)