Absence

There are many reasons for my absence and lack of writing. I am not making excuses but rather explaining my situation.

I have two young kids, 4 and 5 yrs old. They need my almost constant care. On the off times when I can convince them to play in the back yard together while not fighting, I find it hard to pick up the computer but rather indulge in some book I have been reading. Or of course, do the dishes, make food, clean the house and do laundry. Neither are in school for the summer and I am forced to figure out what to do with them every day. Exhausting.

In addition to my exhausting, yet wonderful children, I am completely stressed with trying to sell my house and move into our dream home that has more land and is better fitted for us.

Mostly, though, I can't handle the constant flashbacks. It is exhausting more than anything else. I am going to try to focus more on my journey and less on Momster. I realize that my upbringing plays a huge roll in my story, but I am going to work on limiting that area and focusing in the reunion.

I will check in as I figure that out.




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Fearless

The fearless three year old, whom I look up to in so many ways, took off on her own yesterday. She has been practicing with her devoted Dad, to learn to ride without training wheels. Yesterday, she decided to practice. Her practice involved her riding down the street and me with my jaw falling down! We are so proud of our determined girl. She was so proud of herself and wanted to show everyone that she knows!

I don't remember learning how to ride my bike but I do remember riding it on my own and feeling brand new. I remember being a cautious child and constantly worried that something bad may happen. I remember wishing I was more like my sister, more like Marlee, stronger. Marlee is everything I wanted to be as a child- confident, caring, funny, carefree, silly, strong, tough, loving, observant, accepting, happy.

I think about her fearlessly riding away and I want to fearlessly ride away on my memoir. I want to be confident that I CAN do this. I want to believe that everyone will be proud. I want to have the strength to get back up if I fall down. I want to be that carefree.

I will continue to work on that as long as I live...

Spring Wind

The windows are all open. The wind is blowing in the house. I love the smell of Spring, the sounds of the birds, the yellow forsythias coming up. I am sitting here listening to John Mayer and writing. I have never liked opening my old journals, but, I do now. I am actually going forward with them now instead of living in the past. It feels so good, to be where I am now, and looking back at my journey with a smile. It took over a decade for me to be able to do that.. But I am here and it feels darn good. I open my journal from 1999, during the beginning of my search for my biological mother. There is a certain smell to the old journal. A good smell. The smell take me right back to November 1999. The anticipation, the anxiety, the doubt. I am so proud of that girl for not giving up. I am so proud of her for doing what she set out to do:)

Flashes

My daughter looks a lot like I did as a child, olive skin, dark hair, round cheeks, big light eyes. She is striking, not to say that I was, but she is.

She is also a tom boy. She loves getting dirty and I actually love watching her get dirty. She is the first to try something new and the first to get dirty. She is also the first to sing a song using the exact words or snuggle an animal as soon as they walk in the room. She is a true free spirit, a loving and caring free spirit. I have said a number of times, and I truly feel, that she is everything I wanted to be as a child. A true strong beautiful soul.

While pregnant, I worried so badly about reliving my childhood every time I looked at her. Once in a while I look at her and I do get flash backs.

Today, while getting dirty in the mud, she found a worm. She said, "awe, you cute little worm. It's ok buddy, I will take care of you and keep you comfy. Awe your so cute". I stopped what I was doing and admired her loving spirit love on this innocent animal, a worm.

I was sent back to Spring of 1985... She always had a beautiful yard full of luscious gardens. Planting season is over, it is now growing. She was weeding. I always wondered what she was thinking about while she gardened. I don't know why I cared, just wondering, I guess. I was playing in the yard with the kids and trying to help her weed. I didn't like weeding, I was trying to please her. Hoping I could make her happy. And maybe she might smile... Maybe...

She threw a worm into the grass and told me to "kill it".

At only 6 yrs old I knew I didn't want to kill anything. I felt sorry for the worm. I thought about how I would feel if this monster, was trying to kill me with that big mean foot.

"No." I managed as I looked down at the wiggly worm.

"KILL IT!" She yelled

"I can't. Can't we just put him over there?" I cried.

I started to go inside. I told myself That I would hate myself if I killed that worm and I was not going to let her make me. Was I crazy for standing my ground against her? Maybe. Why in the world would she want me to kill the worm if she knew I didn't want to? Does she really enjoy watching my pain?

She grabbed my tiny arm like she always did, digging her nails in, they other hand holding the worm in my face "kill it".

"No". Monster, no I will not do it. He didn't do anything to you! But I can't say how I feel. It wouldn't come out.

Before I knew it she threw the worm onto the black tar driveway and stomped on him. She twisted her toes into him, just to make sure he was dead. I screamed for that innocent worm who was,
moments ago crawling among the flowers.

I walked away crying. I thought about that worm all day. I will never forget the evil look on HER face as she crushed him under her feet. How could it make her feel good? I don't get it, and I never will.

I'm sorry wormy, I am so sorry I couldn't save you. I am sorry I couldn't protect you from her. I'm so so sorry.

Confessions

Now onto this book! I am only on the first chapter and I already love it. I am so excited to get writing again. I am worried about how it will all work out, how it will be organized. I worry that my writing will not be good. I could go on and on about my fears, but I won't. Not today. Today, I am happy that I am doing this and happy that I can.

Sunday reading day

I have always wanted to adopt. I always knew that it was, in a way, beautiful. Once my husband and I were married and decided to start a family, it became clear that it would not come easily. After two years of trying the old fashion way, we were happy to pursue adoption. As it turned out, that was the exact time that we actually became pregnant.

Anyway, I bought the above book along with many others once we had made the decision to adopt. I only picked it up this week to sell online. Since I have started this memoir journey I decided to open it. Maybe I don't know as much as I thought about adoptees. Besides, I have only met a few. While reading this book, I can not believe how much of it relates to me and my feelings growing up. How validating it is to know you are NOT suffering from horrible mental illness that no one understands... They are all normal adoptee feelings.


I wish I had read this book when I was about 12 years old! It would have saved me years of shame and confusion.

I recommend this read to anyone especially counselors, social workers, adopters and adoptees!!!!!!







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Crazy cakes

Am I crazy? Crazy that I think that I can do this? Write well and get people to read it and like it? I have nightmares about getting 1 star on reviews.

Those thoughts are going to ruin me. They will ruin this entire process. I will think not think of stars or reviews. Just think write with abandon. Write with abandon



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With abandon

It is hard to concentrate with a 3 yr old home with you all day. I find myself writing and then taking a break to read some memoir books. It is exhausting. Maybe that is why I am procrastinating and I continue to lay here in the bed with Pirate Pup.

The other day at the library, when I went to get some 'how to write a memoir' books, I met a kind older lady. She overheard me talking with the info desk. She wanted to know if I was writing a memoir. I couldn't believe I had a hard time saying yes. But I did, I did say, "yes, well at least I am going to try". She was also thinking about writing a memoir. We got each others info and I really hope she emails me! Maybe I will email her. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing.

But I am having fun doing it.

I told a friend yesterday that I had started to write on my own. She instantly knew what I was talking about. She was a friend, who last year, told me that she would help write my memoir and then couldn't . She told me to "write with abandon" I had no idea what she was talking about. (I know, right? I am trying to write a memoir and I don't even know what abandon means- laughable).

But I looked it up and it said that "writing with abandon was writing with your heart". This is exactly what I am doing. I suck at spelling and grammar and I don't have a wonderful vocabulary, but darn-it, I can write from my heart.




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Second day

I'm sitting here, out on my deck with my one eyed puppy and four chickens pecking around the back yard. It is only the first warm weather days of Spring. We had a difficult winter. It has been cold and we have had a lot of snow. The windows are open and I hear my kids arguing in the kitchen behind me. Every so often my baby girl, who is now almost 4 years old, runs outside to push her baby in a shopping cart right through the wet grass.

Baby girl got into my old pictures earlier today and we came up with this gem above. My sister and me. I sent it to my siblings and father. I know they will like it. I remember my father taking it during a summer vacation in Maine. The physical differences are so obvious to me. It's a sweet picture.

It is my second day of writing. I have thought about it for years and finally feel able to start work on my memoir. I can produce a memoir that is a vivid look at my emotions and feelings through it all but most of all my growth and healing. I feel completely naked and fight the urge to cover up.

I hope that people can see that they are stronger than they believe. I hope that they take risks. I promise to be honest and open. This will be my journal during the process. I will share it with you and how it feels to go back to it all.

Knowing that sometimes, the only way to have peace is to know all the "Pieces".



Please forgive the typos and shortness.. Written on iPhone.

a girl

I am now pregnant and we have just found out that she is a GIRL!!!

As soon as I found out that I was pregnant again I secretly hoped for a baby girl. I could just imagine all the great clothes I would dress her in. I was thinking how cute she will be. Maybe she will have red hair like my gorgeous son. Maybe she will have dark brown, like her mommy.

But then it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A ton. I was going to be a mother to a baby girl. A girl. One day a teenage girl. I convinced myself that I do not want a girl after all. A boy would be much better, a brother for Noah. And I would not have to relive my childhood just looking at her. I would not ruin a boy. They are more resilient. All they really need is a good dad anyway.

Then the day came. The day when we could be told what this baby is. We were so excited, going crazy really waiting for the appointment. She showed us the baby's feet, head, arm, legs, heart, bladder, heart. And then she showed us her bottom and right away I could see. I saw that it was in fact a girl. A GIRL!!!! I cried and I couldn't stop. I was so worried about being disappointed if it was not a girl that I convinced myself that I wanted a boy. Then it turned out that, in fact, I DID want a boy. All I could do with a girl is ruin her. I could not be a good mother to a girl. what if I get angry with her and yell at her or spank her. I will scare her for sure. I will be as bad a mother as my mother. My mothers. I don't deserve to have a girl.

As the day went on I could not stop crying and worrying about my baby girl. So many emotions. I was sure that finding out the sex of this baby would help me to bond even more with her like it did with my son. But in reality, it pushed me away from her. Then the paralyzing fear set in. The fear that something would happen to her and I would live with the guilt of these emotions for the rest of my life. The fear that she was feeling how I felt about her being a girl. The fear that she will feel the way that I did growing up. The fear that even the smallest parenting mistake would make me as awful as my parents. The fear that she would hate me and then in turn, hate herself as much as I did growing up. How could my mothers fail me and me not fail my daughter.

My daughter. I kept saying "my daughter" over and over and over again. Just trying to get used to the fact that I was having a girl. That day did not get any better. I could not convince myself that she would be OK with me as her mother.

It look weeks of going through my emotions, talking to my husband and a couple of friends, shopping ALOT for her and painting pictures for her room for me to actually be excited. I am still scared out of my mind, but not nearly as much as I was. I am less afraid of harming her and more afraid of reliving my childhood when I look at her. I am scared to go to those emotions again.

I love her and I can not wait to meet her.

Amazed

Everyday I am amazed at how wonderful my son has made my life. How much life and happiness he brings me.

There is so many things that I want for my son, so many things that I try to give him every day. I want him to be independent and strong. I want him to be assertive and intelligent. I want him to be forgiving and kind. I want him to be adventurous, yet cautious. I want him to want everything out of life. I want him to be able to find his partner in life and be able to love them forever. I want him to be loyal and caring. I want him to be free of guilt and regret. I want him to learn from his mistakes. I want him to have the best life that I can imagine.

So, my question to you and to myself every single day is, How do I do that? How do I make sure that I give him all of the tools that he needs to make his life a great one? How do I not scar him in the process? How do I be that mother I never had, and always yearned for? How do I do that?

my sun

As I sit here and look at my newborn son, I think about what motherhood means to me. I think about my mothers. My biological mother, my adopted mother, my "other mother", my mother in law, and my grandmother. I think about me as a mother, what kind of mother Will I be. I think about how each of these mothers has helped shape me into the person who I am and the mother that I will become.

My heart breaks for the my biological mother, how hard it must have been to give me up for adoption. Yet, how selfless and how simply loving of her to do so. My heart breaks for the little girl who was under my adopted mothers hold. My heart breaks, just missing my grandmother.

I have always wanted to be a mother, but also always scared of what kind of mother I would be. I have never had, with all the mothers listed above, a real relationship with a mother. However, my entire life I have yearned for one.

I will try my very best to be a wonderful, caring, loving, patient, compassionate and fair mother to my son.... MY SUN.