I am now pregnant and we have just found out that she is a GIRL!!!
As soon as I found out that I was pregnant again I secretly hoped for a baby girl. I could just imagine all the great clothes I would dress her in. I was thinking how cute she will be. Maybe she will have red hair like my gorgeous son. Maybe she will have dark brown, like her mommy.
But then it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. A ton. I was going to be a mother to a baby girl. A girl. One day a teenage girl. I convinced myself that I do not want a girl after all. A boy would be much better, a brother for Noah. And I would not have to relive my childhood just looking at her. I would not ruin a boy. They are more resilient. All they really need is a good dad anyway.
Then the day came. The day when we could be told what this baby is. We were so excited, going crazy really waiting for the appointment. She showed us the baby's feet, head, arm, legs, heart, bladder, heart. And then she showed us her bottom and right away I could see. I saw that it was in fact a girl. A GIRL!!!! I cried and I couldn't stop. I was so worried about being disappointed if it was not a girl that I convinced myself that I wanted a boy. Then it turned out that, in fact, I DID want a boy. All I could do with a girl is ruin her. I could not be a good mother to a girl. what if I get angry with her and yell at her or spank her. I will scare her for sure. I will be as bad a mother as my mother. My mothers. I don't deserve to have a girl.
As the day went on I could not stop crying and worrying about my baby girl. So many emotions. I was sure that finding out the sex of this baby would help me to bond even more with her like it did with my son. But in reality, it pushed me away from her. Then the paralyzing fear set in. The fear that something would happen to her and I would live with the guilt of these emotions for the rest of my life. The fear that she was feeling how I felt about her being a girl. The fear that she will feel the way that I did growing up. The fear that even the smallest parenting mistake would make me as awful as my parents. The fear that she would hate me and then in turn, hate herself as much as I did growing up. How could my mothers fail me and me not fail my daughter.
My daughter. I kept saying "my daughter" over and over and over again. Just trying to get used to the fact that I was having a girl. That day did not get any better. I could not convince myself that she would be OK with me as her mother.
It look weeks of going through my emotions, talking to my husband and a couple of friends, shopping ALOT for her and painting pictures for her room for me to actually be excited. I am still scared out of my mind, but not nearly as much as I was. I am less afraid of harming her and more afraid of reliving my childhood when I look at her. I am scared to go to those emotions again.
I love her and I can not wait to meet her.
