Flashes

My daughter looks a lot like I did as a child, olive skin, dark hair, round cheeks, big light eyes. She is striking, not to say that I was, but she is.

She is also a tom boy. She loves getting dirty and I actually love watching her get dirty. She is the first to try something new and the first to get dirty. She is also the first to sing a song using the exact words or snuggle an animal as soon as they walk in the room. She is a true free spirit, a loving and caring free spirit. I have said a number of times, and I truly feel, that she is everything I wanted to be as a child. A true strong beautiful soul.

While pregnant, I worried so badly about reliving my childhood every time I looked at her. Once in a while I look at her and I do get flash backs.

Today, while getting dirty in the mud, she found a worm. She said, "awe, you cute little worm. It's ok buddy, I will take care of you and keep you comfy. Awe your so cute". I stopped what I was doing and admired her loving spirit love on this innocent animal, a worm.

I was sent back to Spring of 1985... She always had a beautiful yard full of luscious gardens. Planting season is over, it is now growing. She was weeding. I always wondered what she was thinking about while she gardened. I don't know why I cared, just wondering, I guess. I was playing in the yard with the kids and trying to help her weed. I didn't like weeding, I was trying to please her. Hoping I could make her happy. And maybe she might smile... Maybe...

She threw a worm into the grass and told me to "kill it".

At only 6 yrs old I knew I didn't want to kill anything. I felt sorry for the worm. I thought about how I would feel if this monster, was trying to kill me with that big mean foot.

"No." I managed as I looked down at the wiggly worm.

"KILL IT!" She yelled

"I can't. Can't we just put him over there?" I cried.

I started to go inside. I told myself That I would hate myself if I killed that worm and I was not going to let her make me. Was I crazy for standing my ground against her? Maybe. Why in the world would she want me to kill the worm if she knew I didn't want to? Does she really enjoy watching my pain?

She grabbed my tiny arm like she always did, digging her nails in, they other hand holding the worm in my face "kill it".

"No". Monster, no I will not do it. He didn't do anything to you! But I can't say how I feel. It wouldn't come out.

Before I knew it she threw the worm onto the black tar driveway and stomped on him. She twisted her toes into him, just to make sure he was dead. I screamed for that innocent worm who was,
moments ago crawling among the flowers.

I walked away crying. I thought about that worm all day. I will never forget the evil look on HER face as she crushed him under her feet. How could it make her feel good? I don't get it, and I never will.

I'm sorry wormy, I am so sorry I couldn't save you. I am sorry I couldn't protect you from her. I'm so so sorry.